Things I think, Feel, Want to Live by, Hope grows on me...

If I can’t be beautiful, I want to be invisible.

— Chuck Palahniuk

You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it’s just teeth.

— Chuck Palahniuk

Most times, it’s just a lot easier not to let the world know what’s wrong.

— Chuck Palahniuk

You are not special. You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We’re all part of the same compost heap. We’re all singing, all dancing crap of the world.

— Chuck Palahniuk

I am an invisible monster, and I am incapable of loving anybody.

— Chuck Palahniuk

The truth is… you think what people want you to think.

— Chuck Palahniuk

You can tell people the truth, but they’ll never believe you until the event. Until it’s too late. In the meantime, the truth will just piss them off and get you in a lot of trouble.

— Chuck Palahniuk

All the effort in the world won’t matter if you’re not inspired.

— Chuck Palahniuk

The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

— Chuck Palahniuk

We Love You Michael!

So...I'm sure you were all expecting this post like yesterday right? Yes a Michael Jackson post. =D well here it is...why because he is awesome and amazing and...I'm still having trouble remembering to speak of him in the past-tense form because well still seems like he is alive to me. I'm sure after you sit through the 2hour long "This Is It" film you'll feel the same.

IT
WAS
SPECTACULAR!

I fell in love with music ALL OVER AGAIN! It was like...I don't know how to explain it...just wonderful. Michael was a genius he felt every aspect of music! You could literally see it...shoot his cherographer didn't even speak he just made sounds and MJ knew what to do...strage but SO TOTALLY AWESOME! He killed it...my favorite part of the movie had to be the parts when he would get caught up in his rehersals...like it was him in rare form. It was the part of an artist that rarely is ever seen...the part of an artist when they are making the art.

I don't really know how to explain it, its just that he was so amazing. I wish the artist out now were as passionate about music and dance as he was! He just put is ALL into it, for the fans not just himself! I honestly think that he would be one of those people that say "I'd sing and dance for you all, all day even if you didn't pay me too!". He just was that good. His moves were effortless they just flowed from out of him and even though it was rehersals and NOT actual concert footage it was still amazing. Pretty beautiful if you ask me.

But I don't want to bore you with my movie critques...I'm just a girl with opinions. But I will leave you all with this...

Sooo....

Everything has been kind of hectic...I'd much rather NOT get into that over a blogspot about how I feel. Anyways...lol I've been plenty busy and trying to fight the rising waters and keep a clear mind. It will get better with time I'm sure.

As for the state of this blog well:
(1) I have some ideas for it that I think will just be peachy!
(2) I know, I need to get its look together.

Don't worry if I have to learn how to do it myself I will.

I'm a very resourceful person when I actually take the time out of my life to behave as such. =)

But thats all for this small post.

Remember I'm working on something I think is going to be intereasting.

It may hurt my feelings that some of the people who encouraged me to start this blog doesn't even read it, but I TRULY appreciate the seven followers that do. =)

Peace, Love, Words.

Sincerly,
Lainey.

Death by Words

Every form of contact you have attempted has been cold and stand offish.
You say what you mean, and regret it later.
Yesterday your hands had a meeting with my neck.
And your foot more than kissed my rib cage.
And your words rocked my ear drumbs, and your anger took me in and put me to sleep.
Yesterday it was as if you attempted to cut off the very air from my lungs.
Today, you want to love me?
Adorn me with all the beautiful and poetic things in the world.
Only then I wouldn't mind dying of asphyxiation.

Because Love is a bit like a lion...

"-You turn down ex-lovers in quiet.
-Yeah, I'm not afraid in music.
-Or language.
-
-It's these silences.
-Where lovers become assassins without warning. It's
the noise. A horrible throbbin' roar...and...
-You can't hear yourself."

[Liliane by Ntozake Shange]

Love is like a lion. Like a king it calls the shots, but it strikes without warning. Its so loud some days you barely hear it coming, mostly because its your screams and loves roar.

Maybe. Later in life I'll understand what I myself mean by...Love is a bit like a lion.

Excuse my french...

"il faut souffrir pour être belle."

Translation: It is necessary to suffer to be beautiful.

Words for you to chew on...

Here a few words for you to chew on.
Even devour if you like...

Look, excuse me for making this about race. But wasn't it already a conversation that's been brewing over a hundred years we're engaged in. Seems like you just helped me tip over the pot and we both took it upon ourselves to stand by and watch as the faces brown, black, and white slid by and spilled over. Below our feet I can see the words that tumbled out of Martin Luther Kings mouth. You know its been years and his words are still hot, and the flavor still sits upon every tongue of the brown ones that have...well let him down. What was it he was fighting for again? Equality...or something like that. Brown V.S. Board of Education can I get a bit of equality please. Separate but equal, together but wait...still NOT equal? Still not good enough for your standards, still not safe enough to walk past alone with designer shoes on your feet and credit cards to match.

Am I wrong or are we still discriminated against? Is it not a pair of growing green eyes following me as a shop money in hand. Perched over in his stance ready to scream "THIEF" at any sign of me running! Segregation, Discrimination...YOU DON'T LIKE MY SKIN COLOR? YOU DON'T ENJOY MY FACE? YOU PEOPLE...I'm sorry but WE are no longer the same. Neither or yours...sir, have you missed the fact that EVERYTHING has changed.

It won't matter how many "yes sirs, or no sirs" I throw your way. Won't matter if I get a masters degree or not...will it? You want me to stay locked up in the hood behind those invisible bars that only seem to come out when the cops are around. You've drawn barrier lines around the outskirts of my "hood".

See according to statistics I am a prodigy. A soon to be mother, and another blending face in the line at the unemployment office. I won't go further than high school and making it out of there seems to come as shear shock to you. But dear sir, I will go further, and I will be bigger than you think. I see past your cold hard stares...I want NOTHING MORE THAN TO KILL YOUR JOY. I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO BRING YOU DOWN.

Best way to seize your soul, and plant fear in your heart is to walk past you...In your schools, your doctors office, and your neighborhood. So dear sir, its your turn to attempt to mop up the past in hopes of changing the future. Erase our history. But as you get on your hands and knees, excuse me because i shall be...creating another pot of words for you to chew on...

To Whom It May Concern...

Empty Promises

Way before we had even traveled hand and hand up the road of romance.
You were already dazzling me with plans that whispered the future I still dared to dream of.
You never filled my head with lies, but with promises.
Promises that I knew long before you completed a sentence were empty.
You continued to taunt me with these beautiful empty promises even when you would slip in and out of time.
I WAS NOT your first love.
I COULD NEVER be your first love.
AND YOU were still in love…with your first love.
But I knew you had feelings for me, and that what too many may have seemed to have been lies were just mere empty promises.
It would have been only a matter of time before I couldn't see me without you.
And if I were ever faced with that problem I'd chase you like the sun chases the moon, and the stars a clear sky.
Unbeknownst to me I had already fallen in love with you.
And even if I could have deafened my heart beat, and calmed the very tremors in my body I’d still feel the love you had for another.
I could still see the fresh “I’m In Love” smile written across your face.
And hear the very tremble in your voice as you spoke the words.
Even if I could have stripped you of it all, and allowed you to continue to believe that the very promises you continued to utter were full of truth I’d still find myself unhappy.
I’d forever find myself in a battle with YOUR very first love.
THE ONE I could NEVER BE.
THE ONE whom you’d FREELY slip into the past to see, only to smile at a now very distant stab wound.
THE ONE I’D have to face every night and every morning.
I’m much too sure that if we were to ever meet we’d bump heads like Optomus Prime and Megatron.
And the real battle for love would rein between us, as we grinned and murmured our battle cries through cold silent eyes.
I was already doomed to slowly tumble in love with you but I refuse to land on the cushion that is made of your empty promises.



COMING SOON...
a
Real
LIVE
Post
of
My
life